1. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

137,065,000 people were born the same year as me. According to one statistic, 91% of us are still alive, and 9% are dead. Yeeeesh. I don’t know how everyone is dealing with turning 28, but I am doing about a solid three on the scale. This feeling, the ‘is this it?’ feeling has been creeping up on me for months. Odd timing, as my partner and I had just boughten a house in an expensive city in North America. I had been promoted three times at work over the course of a couple of years. I had been able to travel a few times a year. My family and friends were healthy and happy. And yet, on the inside, I was becoming a grumpy asshole.

I could feel the small internal fire belly of rage over things that do not matter. Dealing with customer service people, driving, the co-worker that always seem to be named Linda or Karen that you wanted to open hand punch. Every day this little internal fire belly of rage was slowly nurtured by grumpiness and it felt as though soon this would just be who I was. I was venting constantly, I was not laughing as much anymore. Being this kind of person fucking sucks- especially when you’re aware of it. As I am morbid and theatric, I would daydream of my funeral at times where the eulogy went something like, “L was kind of an asshole. It’s too bad she died an asshole.”

I know I have to change- but what do you when you’re so down that everything is kind of meh? Am I depressed? Or have I just slowly sucked everything I found fulfilling out of my life, and I need to re-establish what sparks my mother fucking joy? I’ll figure this out over the coming months.

To be clear, I am still in the fuckin thiiiiiick of this. This is not an Eat Pray Love situation where this is a beginning, middle, and happy ending on discovering who I am and how others can to.

This is more like in movie metaphors, when Annie (played by Kristen Wiig) is sitting on her mom’s couch watching Castaway and crying over Wilson dying after everything else in her life is falling apart. Then the movie goes to commercial break and you don’t know what happens next.

That’s where I am right now. I hope for a Wilson Phillips ending- but I know I need to figure this shit out for myself. To get my goal of happiness, I have tried to rack my brain and figure out what at the root is making me unhappy. I know it’s not the escalating number of things I was now finding annoying. It has really come down to these three items:

  1. My Job
  2. My Self-Confidence
  3. Lack of Passion

Now that I know the three main pain points, I created three lists:

  1. Things I want to change physically
  2. Things I want to do or learn personally
  3. Things I want to do professionally or financially

Over the course of the next six months, I have decided I want to try and complete these lists and see if it makes a difference. Some of the items on my list might be dumb, some might work. In order to complete these lists, I have to quit my job. I will never be happy if I stay there. Queue all the anxiety and panic in the world.

Is there anything making you unhappy? Is there anything in your control to change it?

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2 thoughts on “1. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

  1. You are not alone, but you don’t have to change every frigging thing at once, even small steps add to up to progress (yes, even the microscopic ones). Best advice? Find the weirdest thing you enjoy and do it as much as possible. Eventually you’ll stop giving a fuck what other people think and that attitude will seep into your everyday life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love everything you said, thanks for taking the time to comment! For myself, organizing my thoughts into lists has helped me to start thinking of things one at a time (my mind tends to go a mile a minute otherwise.) You definitely give me food for thought on my weirdest thing to enjoy…. I wonder what that will end up being!

      Like

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